I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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