We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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