two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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