We're facebook friends in real life
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
