How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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