I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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