you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
