Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
