Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
