weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
