conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
