just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
