i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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