Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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