Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
