I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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