Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
