apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
