If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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