You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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