Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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