Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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