How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
