Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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