My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
