Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
