Do you still have your period?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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