Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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