i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?