I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.