I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"