Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Come share oat with me in your robe
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.