My liver just broke up with me...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
