Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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