Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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