You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize