it hurts more in the daytime
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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