The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
