I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
