Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
