dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
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You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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