I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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