Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
