do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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