i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
