omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I want her autograph on my taint
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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