I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
