He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
