He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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