I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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