how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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