I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
