He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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