I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
