The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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