so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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