just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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