Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just pee around me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
