At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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