he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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